FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
