i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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