Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
