How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
