ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
