my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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