im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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