she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
