Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
