You can't special order awesome
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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