I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
