If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
