i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
