meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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