I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
