I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
