Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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