OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
