Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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