end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
