I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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