I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
