there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
