She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
