I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
