How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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