My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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