Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
