Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
