I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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