all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
