saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
