I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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