Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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