dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think a kid would responsible me up
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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