I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
