You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
