I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Small penises have feelings too.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
