someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
