Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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