also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
