i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
