Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
