i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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