I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
