My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
