so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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