Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
