I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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