Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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