If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
