Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
