If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
