I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
